Dating Issues: Three Surprisingly Common Marriage Mistakes that Lead to Divorce

You’ve heard of cheating and fighting leading to divorce, but what about selflessness and lack of hugs? Behaviors such as cheating and fighting are the manifestation of deeper behavior patterns that undermine marriages. These three common marriage mistakes are at the root of what make many unions fizzle:

1. Altruism

Altruism, also known as selflessness or even self-sacrifice, sounds like a good thing in a relationship. It’s comforting to know that your partner would do anything to protect or help you, and you would do the same for him or her. Unfortunately, outside of the occasional emergency situation, altruism is a damaging habit. The happiest and most enjoyable marriages are ones in which both spouses feel that their concerns, desires and needs are met and valued. You and your spouse should feel that each of you has power and significance in the marriage. Altruistic behavior denies that importance. Over time, constantly suppressing your desires and needs for those of your spouse can lead to a disorder of power in the relationship, which, even if voluntary, can lead to depression and resentment.

Avoid this marriage pitfall by speaking up. Make your preferences and needs known to your spouse, even if you think the matter isn’t a big deal. Want Italian for dinner when your spouse wants Chinese? Say so! Just remember to speak your mind pleasantly and tactfully. And make sure you have the marriage skills to turn the occasional difference of opinion into a discussion rather than an argument.

2. Negativity

Negativity is the number one contributor to an unpleasant environment that can eventually erode the whole marriage. Negativity includes small gestures such eye rolling, out of place humor, sarcasm, and signs of frustration, as well as more obvious negative comments such as disparaging your spouse’s opinion, mocking, and insults. Every piece of negativity, big or small, can have an enormous impact on the climate in your marriage. Negativity breaks down the trust you have for your partner to be a loving and supportive haven from the world’s challenges. It makes you not want to be around each other. It can also instantly trigger arguments.

Monitor yourself carefully for negative body language and speech patterns and try to eliminate them completely. This doesn’t mean that you can’t get frustrated or upset at something your spouse has done. Simply tell him or her about your feelings using, calm, neutral language. Focus on yourself by using the phrase “When you … I feel …” instead of inviting defensiveness with you-statements. Also explain to your spouse how much it hurts when he or she uses negativity towards you.

3. Loss of non-sexual intimacy

Since physical intimacy depends on feeling comfortable with your partner, physical affection is one of the first victims of rampant negativity in a marriage. This is unfortunate because physical affection is the glue of marriages. Loss of physical intimacy can precipitate the loss of emotional intimacy, increasing distance in a relationship, sexual affairs, and finally divorce.

Physical affection means much more than sex. It means, cuddling, hugs, kissing, holding hands, a gentle squeeze on the shoulder or stroking an arm.  New couples display this non-sexual intimacy constantly and it signals that they are attracted to and interested in each other.  In addition, researchers have found that non-sexual intimacy is a significant contributor to long-term marital happiness. This warm, positive, skin-to-skin contact releases the same bonding chemicals in your brain as sex. While a marriage may be fine without sexual intercourse (as long as both spouses are on the same page about it), it will likely struggle mightily without any physical intimacy.

The homework to remedy this marriage problem is easy: set the goal of touching your spouse in a positive way ten times daily. Then increase that frequency! Adding non-sexual intimacy to your marriage is a more low-pressure goal than initiating sex. And since regular physical contact can make you both more receptive to sensual experiences, it can by a good way for asexless marriage to ease into more frequent sex.

Have you noticed any of these common marriage mistakes in your marriage or new relationship? Not to worry. In fact, noticing them is the first step in fixing them and building the foundation for a strong, happy future together. It is never to late to start your happily-ever-after.

Ten Reasons You Can’t Be Friends when the Relationship is Over

“Let’s be friends.” It’s an easy line to drop during a break up, as it intends to ease the pain of a breaking heart. But should you be friends with your ex?

Here are 10 reasons why you can’t be friends when the relationship is over:

1. It’s torture. You’re hanging out “as friends.” He does something that makes you smile. You suddenly want to kiss him — but can’t. Why would you put yourself through that?!

2. False hope. Admit it, it’s there. And if it’s not there for you, it probably is for your ex.

3. You can’t undo the past. If you’ve seen each other naked, you’ll have always seen each other naked. Note: Most platonic pals of opposite genders have not seen each other naked.

4. You don’t honestly want them to be with someone else. There’s a conflict of interest in your new “buddy-buddy” relationship, as you don’t want your ex to start dating again. Here’s the catch: Real friends want each other to be happy.

5. You can’t talk about your personal lives without it getting awkward. Again, real friends talk about their personal lives with each other.

6. Do you want to go to his wedding? No? Then you’re not going to make a very good friend, are you?

7. It’s awkward for your mutual friends. They know you dated. They remember the PDA. And now they have to figure out how to treat the two of you when you show up to a party together-but-not-together.

8. The mixed signals. There are too many nicknames, inside jokes and memories to start fresh, so you’re likely to fall into old dating patterns even when not romantically involved. It can be confusing for one or both of you.

9. The odds of finding true love are slim if you’re still hanging out with your ex. What new guy/gal wants to hang out with your ex every weekend?

10. It’s not healthy. You’ve had your heart broken. Why not invest your time and energy in the people who make you happy, not the ones who’ve hurt you deeply? (And if you broke up because of betrayal, character issues, hurtful comments or incompatible values, why are you choosing to spend time with someone you’ve already learned isn’t good for you?)

What do you think about being friends with an ex? Possible…or not probable?

Unsure if You’ve Met ‘The One?’ Six Key Things to Consider

Compatibility is king when it comes to establishing a long-term and satisfying relationship. But even the most well-matched couples are sure to have differences, and some of these may not matter very much.

If a guy prefers country music and his girlfriend likes classical, that’s a difference that may cause irritation but can probably be negotiated. If a woman’s top choice for vacation is skiing and her man hates the cold, there’s a good chance these two can figure a way to please both of them. But there are more significant differences that will spell big trouble over the long haul, and these are usually the kind that relate to innate qualities or ingrained habits.

In the early phases of a relationship, when idealism and romanticism can cloud clear thinking, it’s easy to dismiss differences as insignificant when in fact they’re very significant. Here are six differences you should take seriously:

1. Ambition. Some people are content to take life as it comes, never worrying much about career advancement, monetary gain, or achieving big goals. Other people are just the opposite — they are highly motivated to do more, be more, have more. Are you content to put in your forty-hour workweek, come home and relax in the front of the TV? If so, you need a partner who is similar. But if you are a go-getter who is motivated by goals and lofty dreams for the future, you need to find someone who shares your level of ambition.

2. Core Values. This refers to an individual’s most dearly held beliefs and motivations about the essential aspects of life. A couple’s values about social issues, politics, and the environment are highly important. They should also be in agreement about financial issues — saving, spending, and giving. Perhaps most the significant core values relate to marriage and family: how to raise children, roles and expectations for spouses, what traditions to follow, and what religious beliefs to emphasize.

3. Intelligence. This is a delicate subject because no one wants to be considered unintelligent. But the fact is, difference in levels of intellect between two people is sure to cause frustration and a sense of inequality. Research indicates that intellectual equivalence is crucial to a happy, healthy partnership. There is no evidence that two people do better in marriage if they are extremely bright, but these is evidence that they need to be at a similar intellect level, whatever that level may be.

4. Emotional Intelligence. This refers to the interpersonal skills that foster harmony and closeness in relationships. Qualities include empathy, cooperation, compassion, affirmation, appropriate humor, the ability to compromise, and a high degree of impulse control. For the past few decades, considerable research has been conducted on this topic, with many social scientists asserting that emotional intelligence is even more vital than intelligence in determining success or failure in most aspects of life. If two people have significantly different skill sets in relating emotionally, frustration is sure to follow.

5. Spiritual Beliefs. We are not referring to shared “religious affiliation,” though this is sometimes important, too. This refers to the deeper matter of spirituality, which has to do with the larger context within which people perceive their lives to be lived. If one person has a strong spiritual interest and the person is indifferent, trouble is sure to ensue. If you are deeply spiritual and your partner has almost no spiritual interest, the two of you are bound to encounter a barrier that separates you.

6. Grooming, Weight Management, and Other Personal Habits. The way a person cares for his/her teeth, waistline, hair, clothes, car, and living space are important while dating — and usually even more important when married. If you’re dating someone whose hygiene and habits irritate you, don’t expect to reform that person’s standards over time … because there’s a good chance you won’t.

When you find your relationship is moving from casual to serious, pay close attention to differences — and know which are trivial and which will be trouble. Based on your experience, you may have a critical difference to add to this list — if so, leave a comment and see if other readers agree!

Top Ten Don’ts for Divorced Parents

In recent years, the rates of divorce have been increasing rapidly. Studies have estimated that between 40 and 50 percent of all first marriages end in divorce and that number only increases with multiple marriages.

Going through divorce is hard on any individual but the stress rises when there are children involved. Divorce can cause significant pain to any child and unfortunately research has shown that as adults, children of divorce have double the risk of divorcing in their own marriages.

As parents, we want what’s best for our children and we want to shield them from pain but unfortunately the simple act of the divorce can take a tremendous toll on our child’s well-being. However, fortunately, there are certain things you can do, and be aware of as a parent, to minimize these negative experiences and help your child move through this time in both your lives in a healthy and positive way.

1. Don’t bad mouth or say anything negative about your ex to or in front of your child.

As a parent going through a divorce, you may (understandably) feel your spouse has betrayed, hurt or lied to you. You are also in the midst of separating emotionally as well as physically from what was once a thriving relationship with someone you loved. Expressing these feelings is natural. However, when you do it in a way that insults and belittles your ex, the children may actually take it personally. To insult their parent is to insult their own DNA. Imagine the strong feelings an adult in the midst of divorce feels and magnify it when we talk about children. We also tend to overestimate our kids emotional capabilities. Children (and even many teens) simply lack the psychological defenses adults have developed. They take things in and they don’t have the maturity to process these feelings in a healthy way.

2. Don’t lean on your kids for emotional support.

Of course going through a divorce is difficult and emotionally draining but kids need to feel someone is holding it together. A parent’s primary job is to protect their child. We wouldn’t hesitate to marshal every resource if our child were being bullied or attacked in some way. Taking care of them at this time means truly putting their best interests ahead of our own when it comes to emotional care. This means taking care of yourself so that you can be there for them. Exercise, eat right, vent to a friend about your ex, and seek therapy if possible. Your child can know and respect that you’re feeling sad or angry but details don’t need to be shared as it puts the child in the position of confidante and makes them the adult. They need their parent to be the adult.

3. Don’t use your child against your ex.

In divorce, you are adjusting your family to this new reality and a new way of life. At the same time you’re dealing with overcoming your own relationship with your ex and developing a new one. As custody issues come up and other changes to your lifestyle take effect, avoid the pitfalls of using the children as a bargaining chip or a way to hurt your ex. Often times, children used in this way grow into adults who want nothing to do with the parent who put them into those situations.

4. Don’t give too much information.

Yes you want your child to know what’s going on in the divorce and how things like scheduling will affect them. But keep things on a need-to-know basis. Details that don’t apply — division of assets and other adult topics — should be avoided when they are around.

5. Don’t rescue your child.

When you speak to your children, allow them to express how they’re feeling. Too often as parents we want to rescue our child as soon as we feel they are hurting. However, you won’t necessarily be able to fix things your spouse is doing or the way your child is feeling. What you can do is validate your child’s feelings and let them know you’re there and understand what they’re going through. Spend time with them and respond using the following “It sounds like it kinda/sorta/maybe  _____________(add here whatever emotion you think your child is feeling) when mom/dad did ______.” This will let your child know “Hey, mom/dad understands how I’m feeling and I don’t feel so alone in this.”

6. Always try to be the adult and take the high road.

Many couples feel that if “I just get a divorce” everything will be easy. The fact is that you will still have to work on your relationship with your spouse although in a different capacity. However, now you only have a relationship with this individual because they are your child’s parent. Therefore, when new conflict arises, try your best to take the high road and put the needs of your child first. You might need to swallow hard at times but your child will appreciate it and it will make a tremendous difference in their lives.

7. Don’t ignore your child’s messages whether verbal or physical.

Children deal with divorce in many ways. Just because they might be doing fine in school and don’t cry doesn’t mean they’re okay inside. Be aware of changes in sleep, eating, meet with teachers and ask how the child is doing. Arrange for the quiet moments when sharing can take place. Spend a few minutes before they go to sleep, without television or other electronics, ask them what they’re thinking. Take a drive or a walk, do a project that allows for time to open up and let you really know what’s going on inside. Then respond as indicated above.

8. Don’t think a new spouse will replace your child’s parent.

Sometimes people feel that this new relationship after the divorce will be another parent to your child. However, your child may not see it this way. No one can replace your child’s biological parent and they may see this new love interest as a “replacement” of mom and dad. Be gentle when introducing a new love interest and spend more alone time with your child so they don’t feel that this new individual is replacing the parent they still love.

9. Don’t add radical changes to the family at this time.

Some parents, having finally been liberated from a bad marriage, are anxious to pursue a whole new life and explore different interests. Whether it be a radically different lifestyle or a complete overhaul of diet in the home, now is not the time to implement drastic changes. These can be researched and discussed and then gradually taken on when things have settled. Children thrive on predictability. Whether they are relieved, happy, sad, or have other feelings about the divorce, it is, in fact an adjustment. The other things in their lives should stay predictable. This gives them some sense of control at a time when they need that sense of order.

10. Don’t rush the step-parent connection.

Blended families can provide a lot of good support. But many kids rebel against being forced into a pseudo-parent relationship before they’re ready. The same can be said of step siblings. Don’t bring new partners into your child’s life too quickly. Although every situation is different, introducing a new love interest before a year has passed since the initial separation is often too difficult for the kids and they begin acting out. Tell your children how great they are, how much you love them and allow them to express in a healthy way. This will set the stage for a positive move into a next phase.

Dating Issues: When Anxiety Strikes During Your Date: Six Ways to Manage It

Getting through a first date is a common source of anxiety and worry for many. There may be urges to avoid dating altogether or settle for someone who you don’t ultimately see a future with. There is really good news though. If you are willing to learn from each dating experience, manage expectations and recover from some bad dates to meet your Mr. or Ms. Right, you are bound to become a more confident and less anxious dater.

Congrats! A second piece of good news: The highest level of anxiety about a first date is normally right before meeting your date. During this time, you are more likely to feel overwhelmed by worry or panic, but meeting your date face-to-face helps these feelings dissipate. For a more positive outlook on dating, add this news to your knowledge that the more you date, the lesser degree of anxiety you will experience. Worry will also subside as you tune into your excitement about finding love and view each date as an opportunity to become more comfortable with dating.

Below are six healthy ways to manage anxiety during a first date (or a second, third or so on) and establish a genuine connection regardless of an anxious mind:

1. Remind yourself that you are conquering your fears and anxieties while on your date. Despite pre-date urges to avoid dating altogether or cancel, you went on the date anyways. View this as an accomplishment and another example of how you refuse to let anxiety get in the way of what you want.

2. Maintain an attitude of curiosity and openness about your date and the dating experience in general. Focus on learning about your date by listening attentively and asking questions. Being curious makes new experiences more exciting and rewarding while liberating you from anxious thoughts.

3. Make humor your friend. It can easily cut through an anxious moment or an awkward silence. Laughter is an instant mood booster, which is especially helpful if your date is anxious too.

4. Stay in the moment and tune out the “what if’s.” Let assumptions, judgments and worries pass by, really engaging in what is happening then and there. Focus on what your date is saying and how you feel about it versus what is going on in your mind.

5. When you notice an anxious thought, bring yourself back to the date by taking a few deep breaths (at least three) and reciting a positive statement to yourself. Try, “I can handle this and get through my date” or “I am conquering anxiety in this moment.”

6. Let go of any needs to be perfect.  Striving for perfection is commonly linked with anxiety. Perfection is an impossible task. Bring yourself back to reality and set yourself up for success by aiming to be your best self despite any self-defeating thoughts.

As you continue to expose yourself to dating, your anxiety will have less and less power over you and you will have a better chance of finding your ideal partner. Although dating consists of many unknowns, actively dating keeps you on track with what you want and leads to increased self confidence.

Dating Issues: Three Ways to Bounce Back from Rejection

Three Ways to Bounce Back from Rejection

Anyone who enters the dating world is bound to encounter rejection. Whether your online messages to dating prospects go unanswered, you have a great first date but never hear from the person again, or you get dumped after things were just starting to heat up, all rejections have one thing in common — they really hurt. What makes rejection even more painful is that any effort to understand what went wrong can easily lead to bouts of self-criticism and self-blaming.

Did they reject you because you’re not tall enough, smart enough, attractive enough, rich enough, educated enough, or hip enough? What was the reason? Then you start to second guess everything you did and said. You berate yourself for disclosing your fascination with sea urchins, for ordering noodle soup and making slurping noises, or for joking about how you got the scar on your middle finger.

All this self-punishment makes you feel utterly miserable and you wonder when you became so weak, needy, or desperate. You must be, otherwise you wouldn’t hurt so much, right? Wrong.

Here’s why:

Recent studies placed people in fMRI machines (scanners that look at what happens in our brains when we’re thinking or doing something) and asked them to think about a painful and recent rejection. What they found was shocking. The same pathways in the brain became activated when people experienced a rejection as when they experienced physical pain. In fact, the overlap was so substantial, that when researchers gave people the pain reliever Acetaminophen (Tylenol) and put them through a rejection experience, they reported feeling significantly less emotional pain than those who did not receive Tylenol. That’s why rejections hurt as much as they do, not because there’s anything wrong with you — because you’re simply wired that way.

Fortunately, there are three steps you can take to ease the emotional pain you’re bound to feel after being rejected:

1. Argue with self-criticism. Although it’s natural to feel self-critical after a rejection, there is little point in ‘going there’. Most rejections have much more to do with compatibility and chemistry than they do with any specific shortcoming or flaw. Even if you seemed to click with the other person, the reality is, you just didn’t click enough. And if they felt insufficient compatibility, you would likely have felt it yourself at some point as well. Therefore, there is utterly no point in trying to blame yourself or any perceived flaw you might have. Unless the person looked you in the eye and said something specific such as, “Sorry, I’m just not into dimples,” chalk it up to insufficient chemistry. And if they give you the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” speech — believe them. In fact, even if they don’t, assume it’s them nonetheless. It probably is anyway, and your self-esteem will thank you for it.

2. Revive your self-esteem. Now that you’ve given your self-worth a breather from self-criticism, you need to help it revive. The best way to revive your self-esteem is to remind yourself of qualities and attributes you possess that you believe are valuable. Specifically, make a list of qualities you have that are important in dating and relationships such as being loyal, caring, supportive, considerate, a good listener, a great cook, a good kisser, and as many others as you can think of. Choose one of these attributes and write a brief essay (a paragraph or two) about why the quality matters to you, why a future partner would find it valuable, how you’ve expressed it in past dating or relationship scenarios, or how you would do so in the future. Write one or two essays a day until you feel better about yourself. Keep in mind that for the exercise to have the desired impact on your self-esteem — you must write it out. So don’t skip that crucial step and do it in your head — write.

3. Restore a sense of belonging. One of the theories about why rejection causes such sharp emotional pain is that in our distant past, being ostracized from our tribe was pretty much a death sentence. Consequently, we developed a mechanism to warn us of when we were at danger for being ousted from our tribe and as a result, we became exquisitely sensitive to rejection. The legacy of those tribal days is that even minor rejections can destabilize our ‘need to belong’, to feel as though we’re accepted and loved by our core group. To address this often unconscious pang, reach out to good friends or family members and try to see them in person. Doing so will remind you that you are a valued and respected member of your ‘tribe’.

Rejections are an extremely common emotional ‘injury’ and they always hurt. But taking these three steps will help you heal the emotional wounds they create, recover your confidence and bounce back quicker and stronger than you would have otherwise.