Dating Tips: How to Stop Repeating Past Mistakes in Love

While many of your difficulties in love are not really your fault (poor role models, dysfunctional patterns in your family growing up, etc.), it is your responsibility to move beyond them. The good news is that you can absolutely get past those old patterns in love and attract someone who will meet you on even ground and become the romantic partner you’ve always dreamed of having. The only hard part is that no one else is coming to make this situation better for you, and it is up to you to invest in doing the necessary work.

Why some people find love and others don’t has nothing to do with fate or worthiness but whether one has identified and cultivated the capacities that support happy, healthy, real love to flourish and thrive. The best place to begin creating a very different kind of relationship than any you’ve had in your past, is in your own relationship with yourself.

Any relationship you’ll ever have is only going to be as good as the relationship you have with yourself. And those places where you have problems relating to yourself will also be troublesome in creating a relationship with someone else. For instance, if you’re constantly making yourself wrong, you’ll find that eventually others will be more than happy for you to take the blame for everything going wrong between you. If you chronically berate yourself and speak in disrespectful ways to yourself and about yourself, you will exert an almost magnetic pull on even the most loving people around you to begin doing the same.

Some of these patterns might not show up immediately, but eventually they will. And when they do, you’ll be startled. You’ll wonder, how did I create another relationship with my critical father? How did I get into bed yet again with someone who is always making me wrong just like my mom? Yet, it’s not really your mother or your father. They may have treated you that way 20, 30, even 40 years ago, but actually it’s you who has been treating yourself the same way ever since.

Inside of not evolving that dynamic in your own relationship with yourself (which we will often not do when stuck in blaming our parents to the point where we are not taking responsibility for the choices we are making to perpetuate the same dynamic with ourselves), you will have a tendency to duplicate your old painful patterns in love again and again and again.

The way you can begin to make great progress in your relationship with yourself is to make a deep commitment to recognize and stand for your own value and worthiness to love and be loved.

Make a promise to yourself to do whatever it takes…to go the extra mile in your efforts to become the man or woman you’d need to be in order to prepare yourself to have authentic love in your life.

Your commitment to yourself needs to then begin showing up in your actions…

Are they reflective of your commitment to have a great love in your life?

Are you living in integrity with that vision?

Are you taking the risk to show up in ways that are generative of the life you’re committed to creating?

To support you in your budding commitment towards self-love, let me explain where most people tend to get stuck: It’s often in learning how to connect with and honor our own feelings and needs. Most of us were not taught how to check in with ourselves so we could learn to be aware and respectful of our own needs and desires. Some of us were even trained out of having our feelings and asserting our needs in ways that would have created healthy dynamics of mutuality, depth, understanding and authentic care. Yet these skills of self-awareness and self-care are foundational to being able to set clear, healthy boundaries that allow a relationship to flourish.

I’m not talking about walls here. Walls don’t let anybody else in. Boundaries, however, are fluid and allow us to be clear with others about what we can do, and what we can’t do, what we want and what we don’t want. They allow us to say no when something doesn’t feel aligned with our own well-being or integrity, and to say yes to those things that do. And, contrary to our fear that if we don’t give someone else everything they want from us, they might leave, boundaries actually serve to make our container of love stronger.

For good boundaries, the ability to recognize yourself as a separate autonomous individual who is holding ultimate responsibility for your own happiness in life, is necessary in order to create a healthy, happy relationship with another human being.

A wonderful way to begin practicing honoring your own feelings and needs and setting good, healthy boundaries is to ask yourself in any given moment, “Where is my attention?” Most of us have our first attention on others and are more aware of the feelings and needs of others than we are of our own feelings and needs. This is the core of co-dependence and will create toxicity in relationships over time. For example, have you ever felt yourself merge so much with another that you became unable to differentiate their emotions and needs from your own? Have you ever believed that things would get better and that the relationship would succeed if you could just give more and step so fully into the other person’s shoes that you could entirely understand them? Have you ever found yourself disappearing your own feelings and needs in order to care for the feelings and needs of someone else? Many of us have. And it’s a misunderstanding of what mature love really is.

And so, in taking a stand to create happy, healthy love, you want to identify the growth and development you must begin to engage now in preparation for having this love. This particular practice is learning how to keep your first attention on yourself while also being sensitive and available to care for the feelings and needs of others.

For many of us, this is a real evolutionary edge, for we have only before known either self-abandonment or self-absorption! But true love will require more of us. And our task in making a commitment to call in great love is to become a great lover. A lover of maturity and depth who has cultivated the capacity to show up as a grown-up in order to co-create a grown-up love. Commit to your own evolution in love…and your beloved cannot help but follow.

With love,

Katherine

Katherine Woodward Thomas, MA, MFT is the national bestselling author of Calling in “The One.” She is a licensed psychotherapist and creator of the Calling in “The One” 7-week Interactive Online Course, which has supported many thousands of people around the globe in finding their soulmate. She is a creative and inspired transformative educator with over 20 years experience designing and facilitating leading-edge seminars that support the emergence of life-altering shifts in consciousness both in individuals and in groups.   

Dating Tips for the 50+ Crowd

More and more of us find ourselves back in a dating world that has changed tremendously over the past decade. Even though it seems to be all about Facebook, Tweeting and texting — some things — like self respect and values — are still the same.

Here are some of our favorite tips from the Advice community on dating successfully after age 50.

1. First and foremost, take good care of yourself — and be patient. The one you are waiting for could be right around the corner.

2. No dating anyone you could have given birth to.

3. Don’t play by those “dang” dating rules.

4. Keep yourself busy instead of sitting around and waiting for “the one.” In other words, live a full life.

5. Take things slow and really get to know one another.

6. Look for a partner than can be themselves, flaws and all.

7. Keep a good sense of humor and be happy — good energy attracts all sort of wonderful things.

8. A little flirting goes a long way!

9. Have no expectations. Look at that first date as just an opportunity to get to connect with someone new.

10. Don’t look at a potential partner as the “end all be all.”

11. You will be more interesting to a match if you have a diverse range of hobbies — so get out there and try something new.

What are important lessons learned in your dating experiences? Share them with us here.

Contributors: lacedwithhope, Ciao_eh, TiffanyDiamond, nophotos, D_Lion, legend29

Dating Senior Women: 5 Things to Consider

Dating Senior Women Consideration #1: She’s nervous

For the senior woman who’s rejoining the dating scene after years of enjoying the single life or the stability of a relationship, meeting new gentlemen can be intimidating. Self-doubt and nerves are a more significant factor than they were in her youth. Anticipate this by putting her at ease as much as possible.
Choose a dating location that will make her feel safe. Arrange to meet her in a public space not far from where she lives. If the two of you met online, reassured safety is crucial. She may feel “too old for this.” Compliment her when appropriate, keep the tone of conversation light, and laugh. Acknowledge your own trepidations and embrace the dating adventure together.

Dating Senior Women Consideration #2: She’s independent

Many single senior women are looking for companions, not caregivers. They’re more than capable of taking care of themselves and making major life decisions solo. They lead rich lives filled with hobbies, their families and community involvement. Ask her about her life. Don’t bulldoze or overwhelm her by making assumptions about what she wants.

Dating Senior Women Consideration #3: She’s established

This applies to both senior men and women: change is not inevitable. Certain habits, vices and routines are now firmly established. In your first few dates with a senior woman, find ways to share your own quirks, preferences and nonnegotiables. You’re looking for someone who is compatible with you, not for someone who merely exhibits “potential” or who validates you. Don’t seek to change her or expect the possibility of major life adjustments. If your dream is to retire in Florida, bring this up early; she may have firm plans to enjoy her golden years elsewhere.

Dating Senior Women Consideration #4: She lives in the present

Fact: You both have a lot of life experience. Don’t get caught up in the reminiscing trap. Focus on the here and now. Get to know the women she is, not the life she once had. Don’t dwell on the negative, but if there are current health issues, don’t shy away from sharing pertinent knowledge. Avoid bitterness, pity parties and sob stories. What is she currently thankful for? What brings her joy? Adult children are often a consideration when dating in your senior years. They may have strong opinions about their mother’s dating life. Respect her desires regarding how children are introduced into your dating equation, but remember to honor her first as a woman, then as a mother.

Dating Senior Women Consideration #5: She’s still old-fashioned

While you’re both living in the present, certain old-fashioned values and expectations likely still prevail. Treat her like a lady, don’t rush physical affection, and take some initiative.  A gentleman never goes out of style.

Dating Senior Men - Dating Tips

In the 1997 film “As Good as It Gets,” Melvin Udall (played by Jack Nicholson) gave every woman thinking about dating senior men pause to reconsider. Melvin embodied every unfortunate stereotype about older men: He was a cranky, opinionated, sexist, “my way or the highway,” alpha male kind of guy—who somehow stumbled into a romantic relationship with the waitress at his favorite Manhattan diner. 

Granted, Melvin was an extreme specimen, since he had also been diagnosed with obsessive/compulsive disorder. Still, his idea of a compliment was to tell his date she made him want to take his meds.
Of course, to every rule there are plenty of exceptions, but we might as well admit it: dating senior men can require an extra measure of patience, insight, and even firmness where your own boundaries are concerned.

Here are three important things you need to know when dating senior men.

Culture Shock. In many ways, senior men really do come from another planet—from an entirely different earth. When dating senior men it is essential to keep in mind how much the world has changed since they first learned how romance works from their fathers and mothers—and from a long-gone popular culture that gave them John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart, and Gregory Peck. Their expectations of women—and of themselves, for that matter—are often rooted in a relationship model that, for better or worse, has changed dramatically. A previous marriage may have acted as a kind of time capsule for many senior men, insulating them from social changes. Now, widowed or divorced, they must play catch up.

That doesn’t mean you are stuck with no option but to put on June Cleaver’s apron. But taking the time to understand what makes a senior man tick will help you know where the landmines are buried in your potential relationship—and how to avoid them.

Identity Loss. For many older men, the words “husband” and “provider” don’t simply describe what a man does in life, they express who he is. For years, maybe even decades, he measured his identity by the roles he played in his previous marriage. When that relationship ended, he lost more than a partner—he lost his means of knowing himself. In dating senior men, you need to know that your partner may be subconsciously looking for you to become his mirror by stepping into a familiar (to him) relationship routine. Recognizing this emotional dynamic at work, you can help him find new ways to define his identity, while maintaining your own.  

Strong and Silent. Of all the stereotypes applied to senior men, the one most commonly true is this: they aren’t a very communicative bunch. Sure, some older men are open and emotive talkers, but most don’t want to get into all of that “touchy-feely stuff.” This is not a character flaw, but rather a matter of careful conditioning. As young men they learned—in school, at work, at the bowling alley, at church—that too much talk, especially about their feelings, was a sign of weakness and only the strong get the girl. If you plan on dating senior men, accept that the burden of communication may well fall unevenly on you. 

Dating a “vintage” man is as promising a path to lasting romance as any other—so long as you know where he’s coming from and where you’d like to end up.

Senior Dating Tips: A Guide for Finding Love Again

Four senior dating tips to guide your renewed quest for love in your life.

Here’s a senior dating dilemma: On one hand, the society we live in tells people of a certain age that their best opportunities for love and romance have come and gone. And maybe you’ve bought into that lie. On the other hand, a part of you still feels like an adventurous teenager, regardless of what age appears on your driver’s license. Deep down, you know it’s not too late—never too late—to find love. This is the “timeless you,” who experiences a tingle of excitement at the thought of new romantic possibilities.

Well, congratulations! Chances are, you’re reading this because the inner teenager has won out. You are ready to put aside the negative messages aimed at seniors and date again. What you need now are time-tested tips on successful senior dating. Here are four that will help you steer around common senior single dating pitfalls.

(Don’t) act your age. After spending a lifetime learning to be “serious” and “responsible,” it can be hard to remember the cardinal rule of dating: Have fun! Think back to when you actually were a teenager. Who had the most dates? The long-faced stick-in-the-mud? Or the playful, unpredictable type who knew how to have a good time? It’s true that many dating rules have changed, but this much never will: laughter, spontaneity, and a healthy appetite for fun are still highly attractive.

Be here, now. Teenagers rarely dwell on their past—because they don’t have one! If you are a senior dating again for the first time in years, you’ve probably overcome painful obstacles to get here. Perhaps you’ve survived the death of a cherished spouse, or maybe a divorce that tested your sense of self and your ability to trust. It is commonplace to wear those experiences on your sleeve and to let them dominate conversation when dating again. Here’s the hotsenior single dating tip: Don’t do it! 

Yes, dating is about two people getting acquainted. But a first date is not the time to give an emotional account of your husband’s illness and death, or your wife’s decision to leave you and join an ashram in India. Early on, focus on enjoying each other’s company here and now.

Leave your kids at home. All right, so your children are adults now and have had homes of their own for years. But they can still tag along on your date, if you take their opinions too much to heart. Some children are overly eager for you to date again and pressure you to “get out there.” Others are horrified at the idea, equating senior dating with betrayal of their other parent. This tip is about listening to their concerns—and then living your own life.

See each date as a fresh start. Resist the temptation to compare each new person with past partners. Senior dating is not about filling someone’s now empty shoes or avoiding a repeat of past hurts. It is about starting over entirely and finding new things to love about another unique person. Treat each date as a chance to see how different a new relationship can be.

The most important single senior dating tip of all is this: Love is exciting and meaningful at any age. Have fun, be present, be free—and follow your heart where it leads.

Love in Your Later Years: 10 Sex and Dating Tips for Seniors

Dating among the senior set is becoming more popular thanks to online dating sites for retirees and a more liberal acceptance of senior sexuality. Seniors may have a lot of experience under their belts, but they’re also up for new adventures and relationships. This list of 100 sex and dating tips is just for seniors, from the casual dating crowd to grandmas looking for love.

Getting Back in the Game

Dating again after a divorce, death or just a long slump can be overwhelming. There are new rules to the game, but that doesn’t mean you have to be left out. Check here for tips on getting back on your feet.

1. No excuses: Don’t cheat yourself of love in your later years by telling yourself that you’re too old or too out-of-date to have a good time. You don’t have to be the cutting edge serial dater you were in your 20s, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to find someone who makes you happy.
2. Remember how much fun you used to have: Get out of the house and surround yourself with friends and contemporaries when you’re feeling low.
3. Start off slow: Ease yourself back into dating by attending group events at community centers you’re familiar with.
4. Don’t overdo it: Staying out all night or all weekend may have been easy back in the day, but keep yourself in check when you’re first starting to date again.
5. Dating After Loss of a Spouse: Read Elaine Williams’ blog entry about grieving for a spouse and understanding when you’re ready to move on.
6. Be open minded: The rules may have changed a bit since you were dating, so be open minded about modern dating etiquette.
7. Stay true to yourself: You’ve kept your morals and your opinions this long, so don’t sacrifice everything you know for a new beau.
8. Don’t abandon your past: If you’re afraid that a new boyfriend or girlfriend will make you forget your family or past relationships, have a discussion with that person to let them know that you’ll always remain close to your past and that a new relationship doesn’t entail leaving them behind.
9. Don’t take it so seriously: Getting back in the game can be nerve wracking at first, but just remember to have fun, explore your options and stay true to yourself.
10. Moving On After a Relationship Break-Up: This article offers more tips for moving on to another relationship after a break-up, divorce or even the death of a loved one.