Success Couples Advice: Why Good Manners Matter for Couples — Forever!

I know I am not the only person who has friends that I really enjoy spending time with one-on-one but who I dread socializing with when their partner joins the party. Sometimes, their sweetheart just isn’t my “cup-of-tea.”  But more often than not, I can’t tolerate the way they behave towards one another when they’re together. I am not sure how and why it happens but many couples lose their good manners after they’ve been together for a while. As a friend I find this obnoxious and unpleasant. As a sexuality counselor I can tell you it leads to a world of trouble in a relationship and nothing good will come of it – especially where sex is concerned.

Most of us start off a new relationship on our best behavior. We pay close attention to personal grooming, politeness, and do our very best not to interrupt our date when they’re telling us a story or giving us their opinion about something. We all know that not doing so can reduce our chances for another date in the future. And yet, once the relationship is well-established – especially over years — it is easy to slip and slide into conversations and behaviors void of even a wit of the good etiquette we cultivated when we first met.

Saying things like: “Yes please,” “Thank you,” “May I,” “You’re welcome,” and of most importance a sincere, “I apologize” shouldn’t fade after the blush of new love has worn off. These time-honored expressions of appreciation and respect gain strength and momentum as indicators of how you don’t take your loved one for granted. When first meeting couples for counseling, I watch and listen closely to how they talk to and about one another. I am not doing this just to follow the story line. I want to see what side of the fence their manners fall on — ‘Downton Abbey’ or ‘Animal House’.  If I find myself cringing and then reaching for Emily Post’s: Etiquette it indicates that the couple has lost their decorum. I have rules in my office which include: “You must speak politely to one another.” This is an important starting point and in its absence, nothing I say or do will help the couple achieve any resolution or regain their intimate satisfaction.

Good manners are appealing, alluring, and sexy. That is why you focused on them in the beginning. You were hoping they would help ignite the flame and chase of new romance. When I counsel a couple whose sex life has tanked and their verbal communication is barbed, crude, and mean it’s no surprise they’re not having sex. Who would want to have sex with someone who is rude to them? I recently worked with a woman whose partner said: “You’ve gotten so fat!  I can’t imagine having sex with you now.” Personally, had I been on the receiving end of that I would have immediately reached for my favorite Ben and Jerry’s to cool the burn. In contrast if they were to hear: “Your weight worries and distracts me from sex because I can’t stop focusing on how it is impacting your health and our life together. How can I help you with this?” the burn might have been avoided all together.

Men in relationships with women who they feel are always focused on work, kids, and friends and never on them tell me they are lonesome for their partner and feel uncared for. The well metered, self-disclosing, and emotional statement: “I am lonesome for you and this is why I complain about our not having sex more often” is very different than: “All you ever do is crap for the kids and your parents.” Needless to say, the former is likely to yield a better outcome. And, waking up and bidding a pleasant: “Good morning” even if the morning is not your jolliest time of day is polite, respectful, and sets a positive tone for the day. It also shows that you acknowledge your partner and despite your grouchiness, are willing to rise to the occasion on their behalf. This is a statement and act of generosity towards the one you love.

Maintaining a healthy intimate relationship isn’t easy. Life is demanding, fast-paced, and tiring and all of us will move in and out of feeling feel drained and frustrated by life’s events. All the more reason to take a few moments to think about what you’re about to say, how you’ll say it, and how it’s likely to be received. You don’t have to be an Emily Post scholar to make this work. But you do have to believe that your loving partner is as deserving, if not more so, of your best behavior than everyone else you encounter in life. Believe it or not, this is sexy stuff and a strong adhesive for a satisfying intimate life.

Success Couples Advice: Seven Ways to Ensure Your Relationship Will Last

Author, speaker and pioneer in personal transformation, Dr. Ken Druck, and his partner, Lisette Omoss, reveal their guidelines for fostering a healthy relationship.

We’ve both grown up on the job, learning from our relationships. To make our new love everything we wanted it to be, we had to take the next step. Learning how to take care of “the baby,” as we call it, is how we did it.

Ken: At age 46, I found myself alone for the first time since age 19. I’d learned a lot about being in a long-term relationship, but was completely unprepared for being single, dating or starting another intimate relationship. It didn’t take me long to realize I had to go back to school, which meant getting to know myself and the women I was seeing a lot better.

Each relationship since my divorce had taught me something about what it means to succeed in an intimate, exclusive relationship. I got to know my strengths and weaknesses, and worked hard to develop the qualities like trustworthiness, honesty, integrity, respect, playfulness, selflessness and humility that I was looking for in a partner. After shedding some bad habits, defense mechanisms and insecurities I’d picked up along the way, I was ready to put everything I’d learned to use. That’s when Lisette came into my life.

*   *   *   *

Lisette: I had spent the first 40 years of my life trying to be the perfect wife, mother, daughter and sister, and win everybody’s approval. A terrible tragedy, the death of my niece, Erin, compelled me to wake up and stop living for everyone else. Reading what Erin had written about the things she wanted to accomplish, gave me the strength and courage to be more honest with myself and others. Putting this into practice was far more challenging than I expected. The biggest obstacle, as it turned out, was my own fear.

Ever since childhood, I’d avoided conflict. When I got upset at someone, or they got upset with me, I’d shut down. It was my protection and, needless to say, it didn’t keep me from getting hurt. Nor did it help any of my relationships. When I decided to say how I really felt, my husband tried to be supportive but this was clearly a problem for him. I made every attempt to reach him and get our marriage back on track, but it wasn’t to be.

Ken and I met after Erin’s accident when the Jenna Druck Center, a non-profit foundation he named for his daughter, Jenna, was there to help my family. Several years later, after both of our relationships had ended, Ken and I became good friends. In time, our affection and enjoyment of being together inspired us to take the next step. Sure enough, we fell in love.

The Baby is Born

We had both found what we were looking for in a partner and were ready to bring the best we had to our relationship. It was time to step up our game. That meant being fully committed, with no safety nets or back doors. One night, we came up with a name for our relationship. We called it “The Baby.” It was young, vulnerable, fragile and precious, and needed love, care and protection to grow strong. We would need to live up to that standard, or risk repeating past patterns of failure. Nothing was more important!

We’ve been together for several years now. We think of ourselves as a work in progress and work diligently on bringing out the best in each other and ourselves. Here’s what we’ve learned:

1. Do What’s Necessary to Build Trust and Commitment

Ken: Great people and relationships call us to higher ground. They ask nothing less than our best. This means 100% honesty and integrity. Even when it means owning up to a part of ourselves we’re not proud of — and cleaning up our act. I had difficulty admitting that I’d become a bit of a flirt over the years. My boundaries with women had become too relaxed. Friendliness created the appearance that I was available, when I wasn’t. And while my ego was getting fed, I was unknowingly  disrespecting my partner and putting my relationship at risk.

Lisette has always been an attractive woman. Friendly, funny, warm and personable. But she was in denial about how much attention she was getting from men. And acting somewhat naive. Several men had fallen in love with her without her really being aware — until it became a problem. She was unwittingly putting herself and her relationships at risk as well.

Both of these things presented serious problems for the baby. We knew it had to change. Both of us had to clean up our acts, tighten our boundaries  and become more aware of our surroundings. Little by little, we did!  Setting clear parameters for what was OK and not OK when it came to being respectful deepened our trust and commitment. Taking care of the baby means trusting one another to be honest, respectful and faithful 100% of the time.

2. The Daily Care and Feeding of The Baby

Every baby needs and deserves great care and attention. This meant considering the other person’s feelings with the highest regard and learning to treat them with the utmost sensitivity. Since we’re all different, there’s no cookie cutter approach where one size fits all. And it’s not enough to tell ourselves we have good intentions, so our partner should be satisfied with the way we’re treating them. We have to get to know them.

For us, this meant upgrading our sensitivity software and tuning in to how the other person was feeling. Learning to ask the other felt, say what we wanted, draw each other out and clarify where we stood gave our relationship the attention in needed to flourish.

Both of us agreed. No surprises. No secrets. Everything out on the table where we could “process” it and deepen our understanding of one another. Even if it might set off a reaction. Avoiding unsettling issues might be easier in the short term but the debt eventually comes due. Nothing is more important than communication. Bringing things up instead of hiding, denying, repressing and avoiding them is critical. So is making it safe for the other person to talk openly without fear of running into a wall of defensiveness, insecurity, excuses and/or justifications. We needed to really listen to one another and talk more openly about our innermost desires. This meant there could be no judgment, sarcasm or hijacking of an issue from the other.

Lisette: One night, I asked Ken if he’d like me to read him a section of a new book that I (and many of my girlfriends) were reading called Fifty Shades of Grey. This led to a fun conversation about how we’d like to be more adventurous. And we have!  I took a chance and it paid off sweetly.

3. Daily Check-Ins to Stay Connected

Check-ins are the connective tissue of a good relationship. Airing out about the day’s “best and worst,” “high and low” moments, or the things we liked about the day, opens up a fresh line of communication. Like a line of credit, we know it’s there to fall back on and tap into when we need it. Plus, it’s more effective than mind-reading. Assuming our partner knows how we are or what we want is a recipe for disaster. An open line of communication provides a safe and familiar place to reconnect and ask for what we need no matter what state we’re in.

Check-ins set the tone for our relationship. We’re all one step away from either falling asleep alone or cuddled in each other’s arms. Saying how we feel and what we need sets the table for showing our partner we love, appreciate and count them as one of our blessings.

4. Make Continuous Improvements

Our relationship is a work in progress. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be great. Neither do we. Growth and improvement come from getting to know one another better, setting new boundaries, solidifying our agreements, discovering new horizons and making time for the baby. Strong relationships require a strong work ethic, as well as a willingness to learn, change, sacrifice and create win-win scenarios.

5. Learn The Art of Forgiveness

We’re all going to screw up, make mistakes, regress, fall short and have lapses in our sensitivity to our partner. We’d better learn how to apologize and forgive. Allowing our partner to restore their good faith and trustworthiness when they screw up, and dealing with screw up’s constructively, made us stronger and fortified our agreements – all critical to taking care of the baby.

6. Playtime, Play Dates and a Strong Play Ethic

Making time to play or explore new things are essential to keeping the baby happy. Whether it’s sitting out on the deck at sunset, going to concerts, plays, lectures or walks, the baby needs fun and lightheartedness to thrive. Pushing the “refresh” button can be as simple as a cooking a delicious dinner together, sleeping late on the weekend, volunteering together, setting aside a date night, taking salsa lessons or hiking a beautiful mountain trail.

7. Care Under Duress

We’ve both had surgery in the past year. One of us had to take care of the other. Being stubborn, staunchly self-reliant and used to taking care of ourselves, this took some getting used to. Both of us are learning how to sit still and allow ourselves to be taken care of. We both still squirm but we’re slowly learning what it means to be a gracious receiver.

Love alone doesn’t make for a successful relationship. New couples that operate on a clear, solid standard of care will grow and flourish. Putting the other person’s well-being right up there with our own builds love, trust and confidence. Relationships are a journey. Each one, different and unfolding. Jot down a few things you can do to strengthen your relationship. Share with your partner your thoughts about how you could take better care of “the baby.”  And get help from a third party, like a couples counselor, if necessary. Taking care of the baby may not always be easy, but it’s an investment that will pay off richly.

Success Couples Advice:Three Must-Haves of Every Great Relationship

Are you living the good life? Would you like to?

These are the penetrating questions that visionary psychologist Carl Rogers asked throughout his career as a passionate proponent of what he termed a “people-centered” approach to psychotherapy. He believed that everyone had the capacity to orchestrate their own change and growth and to become the best version of themselves. That is excellent news to anyone hoping to build a loving and lasting romantic partnership. The good life begins with individual fulfillment and empowerment, but radiates outward from there to transform our relationships as well. It is the pathway to partnerships that are mutually satisfying and enhancing.

Of course, Rogers was not talking about the pop-culture definition of the “good life” that idolizes self-gratification and conspicuous consumption above all else. He meant the kind of life that is possible when you are free of self-imposed and inherited judgments and limitations; when you are able to accept yourself as you are, to express your true needs and desires; and when you trust personal experience more than rigid rules to guide you deeper into growth and positive change. In Rogers’ view, this required challenging work that didn’t always lead directly to feeling “happy”—but was well worth the effort.

He wrote: “This process of the good life is not, I am convinced, a life for the fainthearted. It involves the stretching and growing of becoming more and more of one’s potentialities. It involves the courage to be. It means launching oneself fully into the stream of life.”

Would you like to have a romantic partner like that? Would you like to be a partner like that? Of course! And happily for us, Rogers did more than identify a lofty goal — he suggested how we might get there. In particular, he showed psychotherapists how to help others reach their full potential by simply providing a safe and conducive environment for real change to occur. He identified three necessary qualities in successful “people-centered” therapists. Coincidentally, these are the very traits that make one a truly remarkable partner and set the stage for creating the “good life” in any relationship. Here they are:

1. Genuineness. For a therapist to empower people to undertake the work of real growth, Rogers said, she must be transparent, without hiding behind a personal or professional façade. In other words, she must be a human being, first and foremost—honest, vulnerable, present, and without pretense or conceit. The idea is to level the playing field and help the other person feel safe and fully competent to solve the problems they face.

The reasons are clear. First, it is true that we are all just people doing the best we can. Second, “solutions” that are imposed on others by authority figures—even ones they’ve sought out for help—are more likely to be resisted or rejected than ones they find themselves.

Being genuine in your relationship means shunning the false security of posturing and manipulation. Leave nothing about yourself for your partner to “read between the lines” to discover—and he or she will be more likely to respond in kind.

2. Unconditional Respect and Regard. Unless people feels accepted just as they are, free of judgment, criticism, and condescension, they are unlikely to risk the openness and vulnerability necessary for deep introspection and change. Defensiveness is a natural response in anyone who feels threatened or undervalued.

Rogers cautions therapists to guard against an attitude of superiority at all times. Doing so requires an ironclad commitment to listen intently without interruption or unsolicited advice, to consider all points of view without prejudice, and to honor a person’s right to decide important questions for themselves.

3. Empathy. Simply put, Rogers said that in order to be most effective, therapists have to actually care what their clients are going through and make the effort to see things from the client’s perspective. Only then would a person feel truly safe and be able to consider new ways of living.

In romantic relationships, it is easy for you both to consider only how particular issues feel to you and what effect they have on your life. This naturally results in lines in the sand that make the first two of Rogers’ desired traits much more difficult to sustain. Any effort to walk in your partner’s shoes will diffuse tension and open up new possibilities for compromise and understanding.

The romantic good life is not a pipe dream—it is the real prize waiting when you do what it takes to be the best “people-centered” partner you can be.

Success Couples Advice: Six Ways to Bring Out the Best in Your Partner

Congratulations! You have found someone with whom you want to share your time, your feelings, your love; your life. You have been given a precious gift. A loving relationship is something to treasure, to nurture and cultivate. Your connection should deepen with time and allow you to evolve as a couple as well as individually. While there are many ways to foster the best in your relationship, one approach is to encourage the best in your partner. Below are six basic principles to help guide you along the way.

1. See the Best

What do you love about your partner? In order to bring out the BEST qualities in someone, you have to know what they are. Often, the qualities we resonate with are those that pair with our own core values. Define what these values are for you. How do you see these manifesting in your partner? Perhaps you recognize kindness, compassion, generosity, integrity, or peace. These are the types of qualities that serve to enhance relationships. Remember those times when you first discovered these great qualities in them? It felt great! It felt like a warm hug expanding from the inside out.

2. Judge Not

Too often we forget about that warm hug feeling. Instead of remembering all of the wonderful qualities that brought us together, we tend to focus on the little things (read – unimportant) from day to day that tend to agitate us. At the time (or even time after time), these may seem like a big deal, but are they in conflict with your core values? Or are they minor annoyances that may inconvenience you or may seem thoughtless?  Do these things change the essence of the human being you have come to love?  Also bear in mind that we all have the ability to annoy one another. Remember the old saying, “When one finger is pointing at someone else, the other three are pointing back at you.” Try to take a look at those three fingers before you let those little annoyances get to you.

3. Communicate with Compassion and Honesty

Find ways to express to your loved one all of these things that make him important to you. When the small ordinary things do get the best of you, choose your words wisely and with love. Remember that words have power. Words have the ability to raise her up or wound her for a lifetime. Chose your words with kindness and care. Come from a place of love. Taking tips from Newberg and Waldman’s Words Can Change Your Brain:  Take deep breaths, relax, begin with a compliment, and speak slowly and briefly.

4. Pay Attention and Show Appreciation

Today’s world spins so quickly. Days come and go, filled with work, family, activities – life!  Before you know it, weeks, months or even years have passed. Were you paying attention? Did you notice the special moments in the day when he exemplified that quality that endeared him to you? Did you recognize the deeds that demonstrated she really is the one for you? It doesn’t take time. It doesn’t cost a dime to simply notice  — and say thank you. Simply offer your partner a sincere thank you from the heart for being the person with whom you fell in love. Don’t let a day pass without noticing, recognizing and appreciating.

5. Empathize

Too often when we are hoping to bring out the BEST in a person or situation, we focus on action items such as doing a favor, giving a gift, going out on a special date or an act of service. Perhaps before we think about “doing” we need to practice “feeling.” When we empathize with our loved one, we feel situations and life the same way she does. He feels listened to, respected and understood. This helps build trust in the relationship. When we establish that deep level of trust and understanding, each person in the relationship can feel safe to allow their innermost “best” to shine through.

6. Be the Best You Can Be

Be happy…the only things we have control over are our own feelings and behavior. Happiness and positive actions and attitudes are contagious. Remember your core values? Personify them. It’s certain they will be mirrored back to you. Happiness and contentment are yours. You and your partner flourish. Your relationship thrives.